By S-Dot for The S-Dot Files
Okay, so as you know I used to be this "limelight" dude. You know "that dude." The person usually standing next to, hanging out with, talking to, dating... Yes, "that dude."
Well, being God remixed from player-to-prayer has taken some serious getting used to.
OVERCOMING the BOOTY: Breaking the Sex Hex --- peep it on the download today!
I don't struggle with women in the world the way I used to. Don't get it twisted, F-I-N-E is still F-I-N-E, but I'm not called to the ministry of "missionary dating." I thank God for that ministry because it saved me (Good lookin' about K.I.M. and Ms. Theda "the Rose that grew from concrete" - that woman practically prayed a brother into the Kingdom during our late night phone calls about being celibate, and not loving it - lol). But it's not in line with my calling.
That being said, I've tried to broaden my perspective on the elusive "her." She was driving me nuts for a season. Every time I would hear someone praising extra hard in service, I would open my eyes and say, "God, is that her?" I'm absolutely certain I got on His first and last nerve with that question.
After being weaned off women that want the bling for those that exalt the King, I've had some struggles with women of God. I used think that just because a woman loved God, she'd be good. Nah. Sisters have struggles too. They all weren't Delilahs (Judges 16:1-22), Tamars (Genesis 38:1-30) and Jezebels (1 Kings 16:30-33). Many of them were simply women beguiled by that GodSexy (shameless plug...this myspace) anointing reflected in me that I see in them.
Hold up...let me set the mood...
( ( ( sDOTtv ) ) ) now playing Grand Puba "What Goes Around"
Speaking of which...lately my communication portals (e-mail, text, phone, IM, etc.) have been active lately. That holiday moon has sisters looking for a 'decent' dude to take with them wherever. It gets on my nerve being the designated 'safe dude' as if I don't have struggles. Sometimes sisters lean on me too much. And y'all play too much too with all this touchy-feely stuff sometimes. A few years ago...it would've been...
Hold up...I've got to plead the Blood.
You know God is a such a Deliverer. I just got delivered from my Lauryn Hill idolatry. It was serious. No, I'm really serious. I envisioned going to Jamaica witnessing to her. Telling her to grab Zion and the Kids and throwing whatever we could carry into a jeep, heading to the airport and going straight from JFK to church get her baptised in the Holy Spirit. And then she would sing songs like this to me....
( ( ( sDOTtv ) ) ) now Lauryn Hill "I Just Want You Around"
Okay, Lauryn just for the record...I would've never took your love for granted. And you would've never had to keep your feelings underground. Aiight, see this is what happens when I just randomly start typing a blog. I hope you folks don't rebuke me. Okay, I'm rebuking myself. Lauryn, I'm still praying for you sis. Hey, I said, "sis." I'm praying for her in a brotherly way. And if God for whatever reason, His will be done, not mines...sees to have sister Lauryn one day want to get baptised and I happen to be there... Well, y'all pray for me. A brother is still but a man.
So, I was going to change the subject but then I thought back to my "Lauryn" moment. Allow me to share, but 1st let's cue up some mood music. Hit them Lauryn 'you could've/should've been Mrs. Jones' Hill...
( ( ( sDOTtv ) ) ) now playing Lauryn Hill "Doo Wop"
Okay, so back to the Lauryn Hill fixation. It was the early 90's and one of my peops ran with the Refugee Camp and was trying to link us for hot minute. They would always run into me and say, "I have this sister that if the two of you get together it would be crazy. She's so brillant. Writes crazy. She's got a humble spirit, she's earthy and fly. And she's all hip-hop." I couldn't wait to meet her. In fact, I even took a trip up to Tiffany's just to window shop, just in case. Hey, you never know...Time passed, it never happened.
Fast forward, I see the multi-platinum Fugees like the rest of the world, and of course I think she's definitely a potenital wife-piece outwardly. At that time I was not in Christ and still seeking, into those "higher consciousness" type of women, that smell like frankincense and cocoa butter with their headwraps (there are some Eryka Badu stories too --- one night at this speakeasy at the Brooklyn Moon Cafe...she did this poem to looking right at me 'love jones' style, in front of my live-in girlfriend. That woman still brings that up to this day, if I bump into her --- but that's another story, my bad), naturals, chic hair cuts (a certain Grammy winner was my lust-interest during that period of life --- this woman was a multi-platinum freak, I won't tell, but if you only knew...I pray she's found Jesus after some of the stuff we did) and so Ms. Hill was definitely my type.
Well, we kept bumping into each other always at little "industry" shindigs and this person that kept waving the "Lauryn is your wife" banner would always be there and say, "This is her." And the 1st time, I was like, "Yo, but that's L-Boogie. That's Lauryn Hill." And they said, "Duh. Yeah. Trust me. I know you, and I know her. Trust me. It's like looking in a mirror."
Thus began the idolatry with Ms. Lauryn Hill or as I like to call that season "The Indoctrination in Ms. Lauryn Hill" (hmm...chapter note).
It was really bad too. When she got married (or didn't he "common law" her?)... I know some of their inner-circle people that would give me unsavory information about that brother's comings and goings that I relished hearing (Gossip and malice is sinfulness people). Sadly, I was "hating" and coveting that man's woman.
I repented. And today, I apologize brother. That was wrong. Damn...I'm still thinking about her. I've got to get this Lauryn Hill monkey off my back... Okay, I think I need to look at anohter clip at why it didn't work out with Lauryn and I... Yeah, that's it.
( ( ( sDOTtv ) ) ) now playing Lauryn Hill "NAACP Accpetance Speech"
Now, she started this speech (I swore at the time it was telepathetically to me and our souls were entwined --- it was "higher consciousness" season) just the way a wife-piece should. Still today, I break down when I hear this speech. Hold up... Okay, now I was just hating because Mr. Marley showed up with that white headwrap and those white pants on. (enter --- "the Mad Blogger") I couldn't believe he stood there in that outfit. Y'all know that God is going to deal harshly with me later, so start praying for me right now.
Wow! She loved God. She was so committed and filled with purpose to deliver her Christ-centered message of compassion and hope. Her humility made me say at that moment, "I want one." Here's my favorite quote: "We are being true lovers of God." Okay, that stronghold is back. I'm going to need to pray....
( ( ( sDOt ) ) ) now playing Lauryn Hiill "Damnable Heresies"
You know I just thought about the F-I-N-E women that I've dated, and I do mean F-I-N-E, because of this stronghold.
Everyone from back then knows...there was of course Ms. Samantha...aka "Brooklyn's Finest." Yes, there's a book...although I'm probably going to retitle it since dude from B.K. rocked my title on a screenplay already (congrats, Brooklyn Stand Up!).
Wow. I haven't thought of Sam in years. And I was bewitched just like Darren Stevens too. We both were. She won't deny it either. That's so funny. I tell you this woman had that "earthy" thing to her too. She had those "Lauryn Hill" like qualities. And she was at the time a full-blown beguiler. We never had sex (it was mind-sex), and that's what made our relationship so intense. I used to sleep over a lot. But we never had sex. We would have these nice intimate dinners and really talk. We'd stare across the table into each others swooning eyes, both thinking, "If this table wasn't between us..." I would meet her at her place. Yes, I was creepin' on K.I.M. Get over it. She's has. She just had a son J. Mason III on October 26th by her husband and lifelong "Mr. Jones" (see how God gave my ex the same last name as me, and now our daughter doesn't have to grow up in house with that stain of illegitimacy that many people from fractured families feel? --- that's call God's favor)
Back to "Brooklyn's Finest" Ms. Samantha...we'd spend hours in our fantasy land. I met most of her family and friends. We seriously talked about, and I called myself leaving K.I.M. for her a few times. I packed my bags. K.I.M. unpacked them. I kept seeing her. K.I.M. packed my bags. I unpacked them.
One night, we foolishly watched "love jones" and then we really had that same overnight struggle, and played songs for each other on her desktop until the sun came up. I grew even more smitten in not "hitting it." NOTE: You don't have to be ho to establish a relationship. Then we cooked breakfast. Sam was the first woman, I would've bought feminine hygiene products. Yep, I would've walked right up to the register with the Stay Free Maxi-pads, Summer's Breeze feminine wash (I have sisters), pain killers, chocolate and whatever food cravings she had. But, she never asked...but I would've bought them. Sam grew me up in my intimacy with being able to be around a woman without "entering" her.
In hindsight, I see, for me she was unattainable booty. She told me once, while lying beside me in her butt-naked splendor, "I'm telling you, if you "enter me" then we're in a relationship mister, period. I know you're living with someone, and I accept that, for now. You will figure out where you want to be for life. And If, I'm still available when you're done figuring it out, then fine. We're going to be together for life, period. If not, you'll regret losing me, because I'm a phenomenal woman (she wasn't lying). And you know from the moment we connect that I'm not interested in dating anyone else, and you know that. A week after we met, she even broke up with her last "situation" right in front of me one day, she simply let him know she was into me "completely." And that they were done! Just like that. She was gangsta with her love for me. I'd never seen a woman be that honest before. She reminded me of my mom --- yep, that again (that blog on Thanksgiving) I was whipped. But don't try to take advantage of the fact that I'm diggin' you, and think you're going to sleep with me and then go home to K.I.M. with no consequences. You shouldn't lose sight of the reality that I know, because you invited me to where you live (and she'd met me in front of my building a few times). So, if we sleep together, we both know it's going to be too damn good to sneak around to fully enjoy it. You know you want all of this, so don't try to sampler get the meal. We deserve all of who wants to be in our lives. I told you, don't be selfish. You know how I feel about you. You're the first man, I'm not going to run from. I'm terrible. But, I'm not running. So, I'm going to be a woman, and go and have a conversation with her about that if you're intimate with me (she had the MJB in her too - smile). So, don't enter me without realizing you won't just be exiting my life without consequences."
Of course you know this meant, I went as close to the consequences as I could go. I took her on vacation to the Domincan Republic (and K.I.M. and Taylor picked me up from JFK when I got back, and I ignored her in the airport in front of all of our friends), while I was in a live-in relationship. I spent every free moment with her, monopolizing her time which could've been spent with someone actually available to give her the love she was looking for and deserved. But, hey I started working out again. She made me feel like a man. Listen that MJB joint "Feel Like A Woman" and you'll get a sense of what I'm saying, but from a brother's perspective. Being with her made me feel alive.
I was bewitched.
Which brings me to the book OVERCOMING the BOOTY: Breaking the Sex and this week's blogs, click back by to check them out and share your opinion. Have a great week.
( ( ( sDOTtv ) ) ) now playing Bewitched "The Dress Maker"
Okay, I"m going to end on that note. Have a great night peops.
S-Dot
The S-Dot Files| "That's what it is"
Volume One: OVERCOMING the BOOTY: Breaking the Sex Hex by S-Dot (coming 2009) – the book everyone will be pretending they’re not reading!
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